Friday, June 30, 2006

CAUTION: really funny, really bad....

Check out the link my friend Phuc Du sent me a little bit ago...

Note: If you have Political Correctness sensitivities about this Phuc Du is Vietnamese

Last Photo I Ever Took

These are courtesy of my friend Nancy.
This is from an email titled "last photo I ever took" contest.

And my favorite (especially after this week):

Monday, June 26, 2006

Kentucky Fried Frog

We had a bad rainstorm last night. Bad enough that on the way home from dinner, I looked at my landlady and asked “did we miss the ‘build the ark’ memo?”

When my landlady and I got home we went to the back yard to check on the pool. Apparently, during really heavy downpours, the pool will overflow. I never thought that an overflowing pool would be a problem till my landlady told me that when it overflows it picks up all the dirt and shit and drags it into the pool. Course the pool pulling dirt in actually wasn’t the problem last night. The problem was the shit-ton of water washing downhill from the neighbor’s yard, around a brick wall and into the pool. Well, after this storm the pool has so much dirt and shit in it that it has turned into a muddy, murky pond. As of this morning there are now frogs in it. I now have a frog’s pond in the back yard so the irony about the blog name is pretty funny. But I digress…

After my landlady saw the pool was overflowed she and I ran out to try and get the pool level back down to try and stem the damage. It was then that we noticed the sound… a waterfall kind of sound. We turned toward the sound and saw a river of water pouring off the roof into the basement window wells. The windows in the basement are below ground so there are “window wells” that keep the dirt back. Apparently they keep water in really well too. When we looked just then the windows were about ¾ of the way under water.


We ran over and agreed that we needed to get the water out. She went into the garage and got a small trashcan. I started bailing while she went into the basement to check and see if the water was getting in. Bail, Bail, Bail, Bail…

Did I mention that this wasn’t just a rain storm? This was a THUNDER storm.

Big peals of thunder, bright flashes of lightning, me standing in ankle deep water using a trash can to bail out the window well thinking to myself “this is not a good idea” and “SHIT THAT WAS CLOSE!”

My landlady took a turn bailing while I tried to figure a way to keep the waterfall from continuing to cascade into the window wells. I sent her inside to find some sheets of plastic while I bailed. It was then that I remembered the little frog, and not so little frog, that live in the window well. These are the frogs that have unofficially become my pets.

I looked for them and saw the little one riding on the big one’s back. They were trying to escape the cascade of water thundering down. I took the bailing bucket and scooped them up. I stood up and looked around for a place to put them where they could stay wet but not drown. “There! On the bench!” I hurried over to put them on the bench close by so that I wouldn’t get too far behind in the bailing.

Just as the two frogs were about to turn around and wave their thanks, I hear this electrical buzzing sound in my ear and my right pinky finger feels like there is an electrical current running through it. “Hmmm. That feels weird…”


I jump back just as the lightning strike hits close.

“Ok God. Whatever I did to piss you off I am REALLY sorry!!!”

I stand back under the overhang of the house eyes as big as saucers and what do I think? “Shit,
I almost got Kentucky Fried, but, I need to keep bailing, but I almost got fried, but I need to keep the water out of the basement, but I almost got electrocuted, but I really need to keep bailing, but I almost got extra crispy, but I need to keep bailing.”

After a full minute’s debate back and fourth I decide that “you know what… I think I will just… go… inside… now...” I gently place the “bucket” down, open the sliding glass door and go inside.

My landlady took one look at me and said “you alright?” I said “yea… uh… I don’t think I will do any more bailing for now.” She said “Good! I was just going to go out and get you since there is so much lightning.”

God’s most likely response to the statement above: “No need to be sorry. You’re just an idiot.”

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Convenience continued…

My life is hard and so I try to take pleasure in the simple things, especially since I am poor and can’t afford the complex (read: expensive) things. I look forward to things like a slice of pizza, a cookie or a soda.

So, on the way to my favorite lunch spot (read: cheep, 7-11 kind of thing) I was talking to my partner. I asked “what do you think the odds are they will have Dr. Pepper? Slim or None?” My partner said “None.” I agreed and when I went into the convenience store I decided to not check the soda machine for once.

After picking my lunch, I couldn’t resist just having a quick look on my way out to the checkout. The soda list on the machine was changed. I reached out and pressed the Dr. Pepper button. YEAH!!! Woo Hoo!!! Dr. Pepper came out. I pulled a cup and tested the soda. Mmmmmmm!!! It was warm but good.

I filled a cup with ice and started the Dr. Pepper flowing, happy that after waiting 6 months for this I was FINALLY going to get my wish. After the cup was filled I noticed something…

I noticed that it wasn’t fizzing.

I looked at it for a little bit unable to accept the truth. They haven’t fixed it yet. They finally changed the syrup but they disconnected the carbonation in the process.


Thursday, June 15, 2006


Have you ever mindfucked yourself? I highly recommend it. Mental masturbation just like really good sex it gives you something to think about other than life for a while. Very satisfying. You may not know what I mean by a good mindfuck so I will explain.

Watch Mary Poppins immediately followed by SOB sometime. Everyone is familiar with Mary Poppins. I mean you would have had to live under a rock for your entire life to have missed this one. A bitch’n nanny comes into the life of a really uptight family and using song and sound arguments rocks their world. The carpetbag alone is worth seeing. She pulls fucking EVERYTHING out of this bag. I want one!

In case you did miss the movie I will sum up. A wealthy, very uptight British family in the early 1900’s has just lost there like 15th nanny. The nannies keep leaving because the kids are a nightmare. They misbehave all over the place trying to get the attention of their parents. The mother loves the kids but is in the women’s votes movement and had little time for them. The father is a banker who wants a “proper” and “respectable” family rooted in the Victorian ideals (read kids should be seen but not heard and wife should be happy being the little woman at home supporting her man). Mary Poppins comes in and helps the family to get over the blocks that are in the way of really relating to each other.

SOB is dark comedy that came out around the 1981. This is a movie that most likely few people in their early 30’s or younger have seen. Classic Blake Edwards. He also did Victor/Victoria and the original Pink Panther series among others. SOB is a movie that satirizes the Hollywood of the time. Sex drugs and profits are the goal in this universe. There is a scene where a doctor (played to perfection by Robert Preston) wants to have a B12 shot to help with a hangover and asks a hitchhiker (a very young Rosanna Arquette) if she knows how to give an injection. “I was a junkie once” she replies. “Good enough for me” he says.

SOB takes the worst of Hollywood and puts in on display for all to see in a way that makes you laugh. The plot of SOB is that a well renowned very successful director makes his latest masterpiece (a light, touchy feely movie about a woman remembering her coming of age) and in initial screening it is a huge flop. He goes into suicidal depression and his status queen wife (the star of the movie he made) leaves him. A party is thrown at his house to cheer him up where “Studio 54” would be a good description of it. During the party he gets the idea to re-film the movie turning it into a sexual exposition. The rest of SOB is about the re-filming (his wife has a hard time filming the topless scene so needs a little chemical help but succeeds. “I am going to show my boobies. Are you here to see my boobies?” Yep, we get to see them.) and the director’s exploits trying to retain the rights after the studio realizes it has a huge blockbuster on it’s hands.

“OK,” you say. “So I watch these two together. Big deal?”

They both star Julie Andrews. She plays the nanny in Mary Poppins and director’s wife in SOB.

Mindfucked ya didn’t I.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

God reminds me to laugh somtimes...

There are moments where God reminds me that sometimes you just need to laugh. Take what happened the other day:

I was at work and listening to System of a Down’s “Kill Rock and Roll.” I get an email from my partner saying that the woman who for years has called her fat, ugly, a failure and other worse insults was mowing the lawn at her dad’s house. My partner said: “I opened the window and jumped back. What am I FIVE??”

I cracked up laughing because right then my imagination filled with the picture of the Wicked Bitch of the West (WBOTW for short) sweating her anorexicly skinny ass off trying to push this heavy mower across the lawn to these lyrics “I felt like the biggest ass hole… when I killed your rock and roll… mow down the sexy people… eat all the grass that you want, accidents happen in the dark.”

How could you not laugh??

Monday, June 12, 2006

F*ing Computers

I hate computers. This is bad when you work in an industry like I do… I am an IT specialist. Perhaps this is why I hate computers. They aren’t like people where you have the possibility of slapping them when they piss you off. All you get when you slap a computer is a sore hand. Even hitting the enter key repeatedly to vent frustration just gets you a bunch of beeping and probably another error.

At least people have the ability to tell you what is going on. They may not use it as much as we would like but they do give you more information than “cannot find the driver for PCI device.” I mean what the fuck does that mean exactly? Which PCI device?? There are like 6 on the machine I am building and THEY all have drivers. Even newborn infants give you more information than that!

Microsoft is a company I would like to see have to use the shit that they make. But I want them to use it like we do… with shit like PCI device error and General Protection Fault. My favorite error is the one you get after Microsoft installs their software verification tool. That error has no fix because you can’t reinstall it and there is no way to uninstall the shit. “Reinstall Windows” they say. YOU reinstall windows asshole! Oh, and by the way, reinstall all the other software and copy all the data I had on there too while you are at it!

One day I will attach the media file that shows our friend Bill having Windows crash on him during a presentation. Very satisfying.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Convenience my ass

I think I have found the worst convenience store on the planet. The food is ok and the workers actually do speak English, but the soda machine is never working. More than that, I have to sample the soda I do get from the machine to make sure that what is being dispensed is at least close to what the label says it is.

The Dr. Pepper hasn’t worked since I started going there. That was back in the last week of December. It is now June. You think they could have gotten around to hooking up the Dr. Pepper by now. I mean we are talking about 6 months here. It doesn’t take 6 months to change the syrup, I know this because I have worked food retail before, and have replaced the syrup before. It takes a completely unskilled person about 15 minutes to change it out. It takes 20 if you don’t have the directions. Maybe 30 if you have to find the manager after spending 5 minutes looking for the damn directions and then spend 10 minutes trying to figure it out on your own because you were too proud to ask the manager. But I digress….

Soda machines aren’t that difficult to take care of. Just ask the average McDonalds employee. It certainly should not take 6 months to change out the syrup in one.

It has become sort of a game these days, when I go over there to get my lunch. “Have the fixed the Dr. Pepper yet?” I go to the machine full of hope and dreams that perhaps today will be the day… perhaps I will FINALLY get to have a nice cold Dr. Pepper with my pre-packaged sandwich (Made fresh June 8th. Best before June 12th). A nice tall one (32 ounces at least) with lots of ice so I can enjoy a cold Dr. Pepper in my 1,000 degree office. Each day I go, I approach the machine, looking at the Dr. Pepper button, reaching out slowly, pressing the button, and…. once again, semi-carbonated water comes pouring out. It doesn’t even have the courtesy to bubble. With sagging shoulders I realize that once again no Dr. Pepper. I then switch to the back-up soda. Coke! That staple of late 19th century addiction when they used actual cocaine in the mix. Formula is different these days but the name stuck. But, I digress…

I go to the Coke dispenser with disappointment but at least I will have a nice cold soda. Not my first choice but hey, why be picky right? I press the button and… carbonated water pours out making gentile splashing noises like a relaxing waterfall. Except it would BE relaxing if it were the ACTUAL soda splashing into my ice filled cup dammit! Just breathe, it will be ok… just pick another one. I try the Mountain Dew. Yeah! Real soda coming out! I put some in a cup and sample it. EEEWWWW what the HELL is that?!?

After pouring it out and debating if I should get a different cup I look at the last available choices. Diet, Diet, Diet, and Pepsi. I sigh and look to the Pepsi since I don’t drink anything that starts with the word “die.” I try the Pepsi and it seems ok. I shrug and fill my cup with ice. As I press the Pepsi button I sigh and try to pretend that I am actually getting my Dr. Pepper. Each day is the same routine.

Someone told me once that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. I am not sure if this applies here since I really don’t expect different results. I just hope. I occasionally ask the guys working (who speak remarkably good English) “Is the Dr. Pepper going to get fixed?” They look at me an assure me “Tomorrow or early next week” Promises, promises.