Here I am, processing 6 years with someone. The end of part of a relationship is interesting for me. I do not usually stay friends with exes. This is new. I cannot imagine my life without her in it. The commitment I made in November still stands, it is just different now. I cannot be her partner anymore because I came to realize that we are much better friends than partners.
I am finding that many things are coming up for me as I process this. The fact that I have not had true emotional intimacy for a long time is a sad realization. That thought came to me earlier this week. It broke my heart a little bit to realize that I had kept going in a relationship where I was showing less and less of myself. I would like to say that there seemed to be less and less interest on her part in seeing the whole of me, but, I want to be honest in this and so I will wait for a little while in making that judgement and have a real look at what happened there. Was I intentionally pulling away? Was I making such huge changes that it would have been a serious effort to keep up with them? Was it that my life was coming apart in such a way that I couldn’t spare the energy to try and explain the changes in me? Was it that I was growing at a different rate than she was?
Is it a little bit of all of the above?
I just read an article on emotional affairs and I wonder, did I have one? Were those evenings spent in on the tailgate of my truck talking till all hours of the night, an emotional affair? I would like to say no, but, I realize now that perhaps that isn’t true. I was getting more emotional support from those talks than from my partner. I would like to be all bitter and shit and say that she wasn’t there for me but, I need to look and see if I gave her the chance to be. Did I assume that she would not be able to handle what I was going through and just didn’t even bother with trying? Did I try and not get what I needed? Should I have tried more? Better question would be could I have tried more. (That answer is a no. I realize that right away when I think back to how hard those 7 months were.)
December really broke my heart. I was talking with someone about that today and was finally able to articulate that I wasn’t needing a whole big thing from her about it. A simple “I am sorry that I couldn’t be there for you when you needed it” would have gone sooooo far in helping heal the hurt. (for those that don’t know, I went through 7 months of sheer hell. Then near the end of those 7 months a friend gave me a trip to St. Louis to see my partner. I was in tears on the plane because I was finally going to get the chance to rest. I had made a commitment to my friends that I would rest and recoup and have a lot of fun while out there. I told my partner what I needed. What happened while I was out there was I got no rest and I ended up having to constantly fix things that were breaking in her life. I even had to move her from her unhealthy roommate situation to her own place, by myself, with a sprained back.)
To come to the realizations that I was not getting any of the support that I needed from her for a really long time (Honestly, the last time I got the support I needed was early last year sometime.) is hard to look at. It is hard to see that I was with someone that I usually gave to and did not get much in return (emotional support…. Shit. I want to leave it there but I didn’t get much financial support either. I would like to say it wasn’t her fault but I am having a moment where I can’t say that.) I feel like I have been with someone for the last year who did not know me. Who did not want to know me. Who was afraid of my anger sometimes, (not healthy to be afraid when someone gets angry not even at you) Who seemed to be afraid of being strong. She seemed like she was afraid of being healthy.
I look at these things and I begin to wonder what qualities I am looking for in friends and in a lover. I want someone strong. I want someone who says “why not” instead of “I can’t” when presented with a challenge.” I can’t” should be reserved for serious “ I have tried, more than once. I have a limitation that prevents me from doing [whatever] but I am going to find a way to work around this as much as I can”.
I guess I have a lot to write about concerning this. Sorry I haven’t been doing well with the Lenten blogging. There has been much writing but not much I could actually post.