Friday, August 29, 2008

Love or eating bacon

My parents demanded during visitation negotiations today, that I not expose my kid to the homosexual lifestyle due to the immorality of being gay.


Whatever do they mean by Homosexual lifestyle? Do they mean me doing my dishes? Do they mean me working on my truck? What exactly in my lifestyle is homosexual? Shit, what exactly in my lifestyle ISN'T gay???

If they are talking about my wife and I having a committed relationship, loving and supporting each other even when we are living in different cities, forsaking all others till death we do part, sleeping at night in the same bed when we are visiting each other, well, then…

There are only three verses in the Bible dealing with homosexuality (two in the Old Testament – Here and Here and one in the New Testament – Here. Out of all of the verses in the Bible dealing with how to and when to worship God, how to live, stories and whatnot, these three are the ones focused on. Usually the ones about how we are to care for our neighbor, love one another, love God, and not judge, get missed and glossed over.

My parents, who have said “we need more family values in this house!!” (but then couldn’t explain exactly what those were when I asked) have cheated on each other repeatedly. My father drinks (a lot) and verbally abuses my mother. My mother verbally abuses my father and my kid. Ditto for dad about verbal abuse and the kid when he drinks. My mother is the worst kind of “keep up with the joneses” type of person and is obsessed with what the neighbors think.

I am not perfect. Not by a long shot. However, I am not throwing around accusations of immoral lifestyle based on a narrow interpretation of the Bible that I know they have not read nearly cover to cover as I have.

So, if we are going to use Biblical law here, lets have some fun shall we.

My parents are exposing my kid to an immoral lifestyle daily by wearing mixed fabric clothing (, being drunken (, my mother never covering her head when she prays (1 Corinthians 11:4-7), and eating bacon (

I am tempted to call my lawyer and tell her that I want all of the above fixed before my kid can stay in that house. After all, what really is the worse sin here, love or eating bacon.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Lesbian in a man’s body

I get this call from a friend of mine tonight. “That gift that he wanted to drop off? It was a dozen roses! Son of a Bitch!”

My friend had two dates with a man that I will call Lisa. This is in reference to the L Word character that billed himself as a lesbian in a man’s body. I thought that was just something funny made up by the writers of the show. Shit was I wrong. He does exist and my friend ended up on two dates with this man.

F and I went to lunch last week and she was telling me about this man that she went out with two times and how he really was not compatible with her. I asked her what she meant. She said that he would open the car door for her, make sure to open all other doors for her and generally drove her a bit nutty with the door and uber nice thing he had going on. She described asking him not to open the doors anymore as being like kicking a puppy. It sucked.

So, she decided that she would just back off and do the subtle thing on ending something that never really began. Not go on any more dates with Lisa and be generally unavailable when he called.

This… has not worked as planned.

Over the last week Lisa has been calling F each day or so. She has either not answered, or has let Lisa know that she is busy. F even told Lisa a mostlytrue thing that she was swamped for the weekend and would not be able to get together. (This was mostlytrue because F did have work to get done but there was downtime too). Lisa apparently then called F’s friend in another city and said that F was having a bad weekend and asked what a good gift for F would be.

A few things to know about F. She is a former Army medic, who is very bright, leans toward the tomboy side, and likes things that are different, or unusual, or interesting or just weird. Weird in a good way though. Weird in a “hmmm hadn’t thought of a Venus fly trap as a gift” kind of way. More like different. Well, shit. She is a friend of mine so you get the idea.

Do… not… give… cliché… gifts… to… her… ever… unless you like having your arm painfully removed from your body and then be beaten with it. (She is a medic so at least she can patch you back up after the arm removal and beating processes. That is unless you have really pissed her off, then well.) However (much as she hates to admit it) she has a good heart and while she has those times where she would like to remove your arm and beat you with it, usually she does not.

Back to this past weekend. After Lisa called the mutual friend to find out what a good gift for F would be, Lisa then called F and said that he had something for her. She tried to avoid receiving said gift to avoid any possibility of encouraging Lisa, however, Lisa thwarted her at the pass. Lisa stopped by tonight and dropped off the gift.

The gift being a dozen roses.

That is where this entry begins. With her calling me tonight to say:

“That gift that he wanted to drop off?!? It was a dozen roses! Son of a Bitch.” I promptly bust the fuck out laughing. After struggling to stop laughing, then apologizing for laughing, then giggling for a little while longer while apologizing for it at the same time, I was finally able to ask her for more information.

She said “I see why he dropped them off, they are starting to wilt.” I said “they aren’t in water?” she said, “Nope, still in the shitty plastic from the store.”

Ok, so cliché roses aren’t enough. Lisa, is also unimaginative.

“And” F says “they aren’t red, they are more of a pinkish color.” Jebus H Crust on a stick, not only is Lisa unimaginative, he is also unobservant. Anyone who spends five minutes with F would realize that pink is just not the color to give to F. Nearly any other color would be better than pink. In fact I can’t think of a woman who would really groove on not-red-sorta-pink roses.

Later I offered to call Lisa and have that “dude, she just isn’t into you” conversation. I offered this because F is rapidly losing the ability to “let down gently” and I don’t want the guilt to follow her around. Whatever immediate satisfaction she would get just wouldn’t be worth it.

But then, I lost my nerve… I am not good at the let down easy and I have little patience right now due to things I have written about over in the dark blog.

So… I am hoping against all hope that dude finally gets a clue and tries to find someone out there that will enjoy opening the car doors and red-sorta-pink roses left on doorsteps.

Anyone know anyone like that?