Friday, November 23, 2007

Ten Years

What were you doing ten years ago?

I had just driven from Chicago to Washington DC to join up with my parents before continuing on to North Carolina for a Thanksgiving family reunion.

That trip to DC would change my life forever…

Before that trip I was a conservative Fundamentalist Christian. Now… well, if you have read my blog before you know what I believe today.

I went to DC having no idea that I would step over a line I had drawn for myself and end up setting myself free.

“Freedom is just another word for nothin’ left to lose”
Janice Joplin

Janice baby you spoke the truth.

Ten years ago today I kissed a woman for the first time. My fate really was sealed with a kiss. How many of you can say that?

Leading up to that was an entire evening of talking. Talking to her about how I wanted to kiss her. How she wanted to kiss me. How scared we were. What did it mean to each of us? What would happen?

Then, after hours and hours of talking it to death we went for a walk. On that walk, I finally decided to just do it. I stopped us and on a sidewalk on Capitol Hill we kissed.

Lest you think it was full of birds singing and other romantic things let me tell you it was scary.



It was “Holy SHIT! I am kissing a woman. What the hell am I doing?” and “I don’t care that I am kissing a woman” with a smidge of “Oh my God this is awesome!” tossed in for good measure. All happening at the same time.

In that decision to cross that line, I knew I was turning a corner. I knew nothing would be the same. No matter if I went back into the closet I would still have done it. I would still have tried it. God would know.

I prayed that God would forgive me.

She explained to me later that there was nothing to forgive. This is the path I was to be on.

So, here I am Ten years later, sitting in a lesbian coffee shop in St. Louis writing this.

Fucking wow!

During these last ten years I have been through experiences and changes that I could not have even imagined ten years and two days ago. I lost my daughter but after waiting a few years I gained a beautiful young lady. I lost my lover but gained a partner. I lost my family but gained people who love me for me, not expectations (including some I am related to by blood). I lost a GOD but gained a relationship with Spirit. I lost my mind but found my freedom. I lost “everything” and gained so much more.

I am stuck today looking back. I see what lead up to that moment ten years ago, on a sidewalk in DC. I look at the following years with their crushing, heart breaking pain and wonder to myself why I waited so long. I understand that time and place come together to create an event. I get that. However, I still ask why I waited (read suffered) so long. Suffering for the beliefs of others that I had imbibed.

Ten years ago I believed that homosexuality was nearly the worst sin I could commit. I believed that it was wrong, a choice, perversion, and of the devil. I believed that it was a direct path to a miserable life and ultimately ends up with a permanent separation from God. I hated fags. I would drive through Dupont Circle in Washington DC and despise the fags and queers that congregated there. I supported churches that actively worked to limit the “spread” of homosexuality.

I also knew in the farthest, darkest bottom back corner of my heart I was gay.

“Freedom is just another word for nothin’ left to lose”
Janice Joplin

I decided that I had nothing left to lose that day. Thank Spirit that I decided that!

So, today, the day after Thanksgiving 2007, I sit here thankful. Heart exploding thankfulness for freedom, love, passion, comfort, care, support, laughter, tears and HOPE. Things are not perfect but, I appreciate how much BETTER they are these ten years later…


fiYaX2 said...

Incredible.... that's all I can say... incredible!

Frogspond said...

Thank you.